No. Actually, it was born way prior to that because my dad worked in music for a long time. Especially because he was like a ‘boomer’ father, we had limited connection points; he’s kind of emotionally shut off. But we could always connect on music. I think my first concert was a rehearsal for a Pink Floyd tour when I was like 6, so it had percolated for a long time before that. But at the Misshapes – and similar parties around that time –, that was the first time I kind of finally found a sense of connection to peers around me. I had finally found my tribe.

Oh shit, I didn’t know that – crazy!

The Misshapes really pioneered this ‘everything goes’ attitude – you can play Madonna into the Smiths into Missy Elliott; total mayhem. I think it’s since that point fifteen years ago that my personal style evolved into something that could be a little bit hard for that kind of audience in terms of industrial and techno. But I have reintroduced a lot of the tracks that I played in those days into my present set. So yeah, I would be super down and that’s really exciting, I’m super happy for them. It’s really nice they’re back.

Raar is the record label we are doing the merch with. It wasn’t necessary to have a brand but it’s been a really nice point of collab to have. It feels like everyone wants to rep their gang, and that was a really successful part of Bromance – to have a streetwear line with the label or make the physical element of the digital releases into clothing instead of records. We’re seeing how it goes. 

It’s interesting because we had actually written and recorded a demo version in 2016. I was in couples’ therapy, and the therapist told me and my then boyfriend that silence is violence, that you’re actually aggressing your partner when you freeze them out, which was news to me. It became a good hook in the track. Then, when we decided to release it. We realised that, lyrically, it was much more pertinent to the present moment than it ever was at the time. So there’s this idea that writing songs can be this weird premonition, and it happens quite often – that the social moment changes after the song is written. It’s a little bit uncomfortable actually.

Yeah, totally. 

Yes, I mean, I don’t think we really have a choice at this point! I love Paula. But I have definitely benefitted off the fact I am a woman because it makes me stand out. I work with a lot of male collaborators; I have never collaborated with a woman on production. So that makes me inspect my own behaviour, right?
I feel like I have definitely benefitted because dudes are more ready to work with a woman. I have had a step up because it’s easy to be ‘the first lady of techno’ if there’s like six other ladies and we just rotate. So I don’t think it’s fair for me to benefit off it and not be an advocate for equality in dance music. I’m not saying we should have women-only line-ups, but I think it would be cool to do 60/40, favouring women, for once.

That’s interesting. Obviously, I love Paula, she is the sickest. And Rebekah, Rebekah is amazing. But they are not new names. Who am I getting excited about? Jlin is one of my favourites, she’s such a badass and makes really brave music. But again, she got Wired Music of the year, so it’s not like it’s news. It’s funny because I feel like I don’t listen to that much new music. I listen to David Bowie by myself! For non-binary, I think Planningtorock is the raddest, but again, it came before me. Let’s come back to it.

Coming back to it: Azf, Sentimental Rave and 51717 are really coming up hard right now. It’s beautiful.

Punk has been a tired cliché for a while. People think Avril Lavigne was a punk, and it’s like, no, Avril Lavigne was a corporate doll! So in order to make something that was truly more revolutionary and upsetting, it had to be a different kind of music, even moving into hardcore and gabber; this is the next wave. For me, the goal moving forward is to be like the ‘fourth wave ride girl’. It really isn’t about trying to impress people with how ‘cool’ the music is or how slick it sounds. It’s more aggressive and disruptive, and that feels like punk energy. 

(Whispers) It’s way more exciting.

For me, the most punk moment that I’m thinking of has been a slow burner. I have for my entire life carried around obsessive self-loathing and body shame, and really fucking hated the way I looked and hated the way I felt in my skin. Just now, even in the last several months or weeks, this is shifting. I feel like the most punk thing people can possibly do, especially in reaction to capitalism and neoliberal politics, is to actually love themselves. Maybe that sounds cliché, but I could have said crowd-surfing or whatever. But I think that being freed from the bondage of self is truly punk.

I am part of a mutual aid society. I take other people through the twelve steps of recovery, and being tied to that community keeps me awake to my own disease of addiction and really helps me stay humble with it. I don’t have this licked. I don’t. It’s really a day at a time. The days have got way more comfortable, and I don’t think about cocaine obsessively and crave drugs and alcohol, but that’s not what it comes looking like. It comes looking like my ego thinking that I’ve got too much going on to pass the message of recovery that I received forward. I feel like I am grounding in a power greater than myself – so it’s not really me or my resilience, it’s doing the daily work to get the daily freedom. 

Thank you for these beautiful questions. I can tell they are super thoughtful, and I really appreciate it. It’s not like ‘how did you get your name?’ and I’m like, ‘umm… I was on cocaine’. I think it’s been meaningful getting older. I just turned 33 and maybe that’s not a lot older but it feels older, and my parents are getting older too. They’re not dying, but it makes me think: when I’m on my death bed, do I want to be like ‘man, I wish I had spent more hours of the day hating myself”. No, fuck no!
The only time that I can accept myself is right now. I used to think that there was a point at which it would suddenly happen. I realised it happens now or it happens never, and that’s every now. The choice is: like myself or suffer. So I choose the former. And I would suggest my younger self to do the same, hopefully earlier, but you know, it happens when it happens.