I developed the character during my BA studies, and she was very much based on my own, sometimes embarrassing and obnoxious, character traits. She gave me a measure of freedom to express myself by allowing me to hide behind a mask. I was critical of the type of persona I was portraying, but I also wanted to be compassionate and do more than just that. She was often taken at face value and criticised as not being extreme enough, or she was seen as merely perpetuating harmful, mainly female, stereotypes. Even though I didn’t entirely agree, I gave in and decided to kill her off in 2019.
Last year, I felt a need to take a closer look at her positive, redeemable qualities, reasons for bringing elements of ‘the bitch’ back. I wrote and performed Circumbendibus, in which I elaborated on the criticism she received and my own frustrations with the narcissistic character. I chronicled her short life, death, and eventual resurrection, embodying a range of voices and roles, using monologue, live music and the singing voice. I also lamented a period of housing renovations and my partner’s and my aggravating interactions with dust, chaos, and ‘the BOYS’, in order to work through things like female rage, heteronormative queerness, and my own practical relationship to certain aspects of feminist and queer discourse.
I aspire to evolve, to look to the future, but I think it’s equally important to be generous with past selves. Part of me hates the idea of this interview because I’ll be a different person tomorrow, next week, in five years, etc.